After the brief burst of inspiration thanks to the Oscars, I find myself back in the rut again. Where it just seems easier after eight or nine hours staring at work screens to come home and just stare at home screens. Trading productivity for relative inactivity.
It’s not that the inspiration isn’t there. The ideas come. The drive to do anything about them, though, feels fleeting. Whether it’s the daunting task of getting from beginning to end, or the often more daunting task of even starting in the first place, I just can’t grasp it.
I think a good bit of it has to do with age. I’m less than two years now away from 50. And there’s a part of me that feels like things are winding down. That some unseen clock is about to run out, and what I should have done will become what I didn’t do and there’s nothing to be done.
In short, I’m starting to feel old. And bothers the crap out of me,
Because in some ways, I’m just as young as ever. I spent six hours burning through an animated TV show about a teenager who fights evil trolls (and let me tell you, Trollhunters on Netflix is definitely the goods). I spent five hours playing a Star Wars board game this past Sunday. I’m doing training runs for my half marathon and my pace is actually better than ever. I’ve got no reason to feel this way. But there’s still that sense that I’m in the bottom of the hourglass now.
And the only way out of it is to dig up. No matter how tired or uninspired I feel after work, do words. No matter how frustrated by a fleeting idea, do words. No matter how distant the end seems, do words. I’ve got too much evidence that it’s in me. I can’t let chronology determine what I do with it.
So I’m going to try — no. I AM going to make these entries more regular. I’m going to let the ideas out.
I am going to do words.