The Ranty Man Can


The last time I talked about Donald Trump, I accompanied it with an image of Veruca Salt, the spoiled brat from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  It seemed like an appropriate comparison:  both are loud, obnoxious children who want things more for being able to say they have them than to actually do anything with them.  Veruca is a better dresser and has a better singing voice, but aside from that, it was a pretty good match.

But I think I stopped too soon.  Because the more the comparison sat in my head, the more I realized Trump isn’t just Veruca.  He’s all the bad kids.  Every single one of them.  Mashed up into a horrible confection worthy of Slugworth himself.

Think about it…

He’s Augustus Gloop.  He might be more about stuffing his pockets with money than stuffing his face with food, but he’s a glutton nonetheless.  Plus, it’s pretty clear Trump views women the same way Augustus views chocolate, with his various beauty pageants being the equivalent of the chocolate river Augustus gorges himself on:  a free-flowing supply to dip his face into whenever he feels like.  Except rather than a drain pipe, Trump gets caught by Access Hollywood.

He’s Violet Beauregarde.  The rude, annoying snob who doesn’t know when to stop snapping his gums up and down.  He’s been chewing on the same campaign speech for twelve months solid, and he’s certainly bitten off something he has no business getting anywhere near.  The only difference is he’s turned orange instead of violet.

He’s Mike Teevee.  Except instead of always wanting to watch television, Trump always wants to be ON television.  He’s obsessed with being famous.  He wants his Emmy.  He doesn’t care how he looks on screen, as long as he’s on it and you’re looking at him.  Luckily for him, Wonka’s miniaturization ray only got his hands.

Hell, while we’re at it, Trump could be Slugworth too, the unscrupulous businessman who can only succeed by cheating the system.  Promising you all sorts of rewards if you just do this one deceitful thing for him.  Or two.  Or a dozen.  Or just vote for him.  Only I doubt it’s going to be revealed he’s been working for Hillary all along.

Then, of course, there’s always the most obvious comparison.

2016-10-26_14-30-30

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