Running to Stand Still

So it’s another weeknight, and there’s plenty to do.  I’ve got this blog entry to write, for one thing.  There are a couple of story ideas rattling around in my head.  I’m about two-thirds of the way through the most recent Iron Druid book, and I’ve got some shows from last night to watch.  There’s a game day on Saturday and I have a few new games I’d like to learn, plus some sleeving that needs to get done.  And I really do need to finally do something with all the bibs from my various races I’ve been collecting.  I’ve got so many possibilities here, I don’t know where to start.

And so I don’t.  I just sit idly browsing the internet until I figure I should probably lay down, read for the fifteen or twenty minutes I can stay awake, and call it another night.

I have so many things I want to do that deciding what to do next freezes me into indecision.  If I try to write these stories, I’m not going to have time to get all the reading done that I want to.  If I get to the reading, all these movies in my queue aren’t going to get watched.  If I watch the movies, I won’t be able to learn these new games.  If I learn the games, that’s time I could be writing.  And round and round we go until another night has passed and everything remains as undone as when I started.

I don’t think it’s a matter of being unmotivated.  I feel the need and the desire to do these things.  It just feels like I can’t prioritize.  I can’t settle on one thing, because it feels like it’s at the expense of the others.  Of course, the end result is that none of them get done, but at least then they’re all on equally unfinished footing.  I’m a benevolent despot, keeping all my ambitions equally shackled.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ADD enough to need medication.  But that feels like an excuse.  There was a point when I was balancing all this stuff and keeping all the plates spinning at a rather good clip.  Without the benefit of a prescription.  And I really don’t see anything holding me back from that except myself.  Saying, “Eh, long day, you’re tired, take a break,” every night is the problem.  Being satisfied is the problem.  Being complacent.

Well, break’s over.  There’s time enough for all of this.  The deadlines are in my head.  Hell, I got a blog entry done.  What’s next?


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