It’s a good thing there’s a blizzard coming this weekend. It’ll give Hollywood an excuse when this week’s batch of releases lay a collective egg. There’s not a single movie to really be excited about, and if you’re spared the wrath of winter, you’re probably better off tracking down some of the Best Picture nominees than giving the new kids your time and money. But hey, they release them, I talk about them, so here we go.
Show of hands of anyone who had any idea The Boy was even coming out? Yeah, didn’t think so. Now yes, there really aren’t any horror movies out to compete with this, and yes, Lauren Cohan from The Walking Dead being in it might draw in fans of that show, and yes, it’s cheap and doesn’t need to make a lot of money to be profitable. But it’s a movie about an evil porcelain doll. I just can’t.
You want to know how bad Dirty Grandpa probably is? Lionsgate has put an embargo on reviews until noon on Saturday. They might as well have just taken out a full page ad begging critics to be nice to them. Never mind the blatant riff on the Jackass team’s Bad Grandpa in the title, which comes across as some desperate misdirection. You have to think Robert DeNiro just loves working, because I’d hate to imagine a world where he’s so broke he had to be in this. Or maybe he’s just a masochist.
Finally, we have the next attempt at grabbing some of that sweet Hunger Games money with The 5th Wave. Which looks for all the world like YA Dystopian Fiction’s Greatest Hits. We’ve got aliens! Conspiracies! Shadowy government agencies! Kid soldiers! Plague! Natural disasters! I’m surprised they didn’t throw in some magic to try and nail down the Potter audience. There are more books in the series on which this is based, but I’m guessing reading those books is the only way you’ll be seeing more of this story after this comes and goes.
So maybe your best bet this weekend is to stare out your window at Snowpocalypse 2016. Besides, being stuck in your house for three days during a blizzard might be a fair approximation of seeing these three films: your kid is terrifying, your grandfather is awful, and it seems like the world is going to end.