Before we get into movies that are actually coming out today, let me express my disappointment at yet another Friday the 13th passing us by without a Friday the 13th movie being released on it. Yeah, maybe Valentine’s Day weekend isn’t the best time to release a slasher film, but getting your heart ripped out is as much a part of romance as anything, so I see nothing wrong with offering up some literal depictions of same. I know, we have a remake/reboot/repeat coming out next year, but really, no Friday the 13th should go by without the old hockey mask making an appearance. We need that kind of reliability. And it’s not like they have to be that expensive to make. I doubt we can get one done in time for the Friday the 13th coming up next month, but November it totally doable. Get on it!
And how’s that last line for a segue into talking about Fifty Shades of Grey, huh? Let’s be honest here: most of the words I type about this film are going to exist solely so that this block of text matches the height of the image to the left so the formatting doesn’t look screwed up. This isn’t a movie of interest to me or even remotely for me. And it’s not because it’s for women or because it’s about sex — two things I happen to greatly appreciate — but because it’s based on a bad book that itself was based on a bad book. And I certainly don’t need to see a bad movie version of it. That’s, what, cubic badness or something. I’m not going to slag on anyone who is excited about this; hey, I paid money to see Jupiter Ascending last week, so far be it from me to say anything about anyone’s cinematic choices. I hope those who go see it are happy with their experience, and please don’t feel like you have to tell me anything about it. I’m an adult male with internet. Chances are pretty good I’ve already seen whatever it is in that book that’s got everyone all worked up.
There’s little doubt Fifty Shades is going to win the weekend, even if it wasn’t Valentine’s Day. But my money is going towards Kingsman: The Secret Service. Matthew Vaughn has become a pretty good guarantee that I’m going to enjoy what I see. Although I haven’t seen his first film, Layer Cake, everything else he’s done I’ve enjoyed in some fashion. And he’s got a hell of a range, doing light-hearted fantasy romance in Stardust, foul-mouthed super-heroics in Kick-Ass, and swinging 1960s super-heroics in X-Men: First Class. Kingsman is his delve into the “squint and it’s James Bond” genre, and promises all kinds of high-tech hyper-kinetic super-spy shenanigans with a dose of British cool to it. We’ve got some real Bond coming our way later this year, but I’m really hoping Kingsman scratches that itch for us in the meantime. They’re betting on plenty of people who don’t want or need a Valentine’s themed viewing option this weekend, but hell, you could release the Fifty Shades adaptation on a Wednesday in April and it would win the weekend. I’m just hoping this has a little staying power so that Vaughn can keep doing interesting things.
And seriously, is that Friday the 13th movie done yet?