The Distance

It’s not like I didn’t know this was coming.  I’ve tried to forestall it, although I’m not sure if it’s because I didn’t want it to happen or because I didn’t want to be the one responsible for it.  But the already tenuous lines of communication are shutting down, and when they do open, it’s all terse sentences, if it even gets as far as complete sentences. And so the distance that had been simply us living in different states now seems on its inexorable course to becoming something much more profound.  An emotional distance that doesn’t feel like some temporary thing.   And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  I could try to pretend all that’s changed are addresses and last names and keep up some light but ultimately empty banter .  But that’s only going to keep my wounds open.  And only open new ones on her with every word.  It’s just that this person was a huge part of my life for seven years, and simply cutting off all communication with her feels wrong, like admitting failure.  But maybe it’s time to go ahead and admit that.

Which doesn’t make it any easier.  It’s like watching the sun go down.  The light gets dimmer, the shadows grow longer, and the warmth feels like a distant memory as the night breeze comes in.  And no matter how much you might want to hold on to the day slipping away over the horizon, you can’t.  The last glimmer of sunlight will fade, and the day will be over, and there’s no getting it back to live over again.  You’ve got to move on to the next one.  And eventually more days will pile up, and you hope they’re full enough to make up for the one you lost, the one that seems so far away.

It’s all about distance now.  Distance asked for, and distance given.  And living with however that equation balances out.


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